Category Archives: Uncategorized

OOPS…I DID IT AGAIN

Well, TINAH has done it again. I’ve tricked another credible news source into letting me flounce, flop and flail all over their broadcast.

This time, the unsuspecting victim was the local ABC affiliate here in New York:

“That’s very funny but, sir, can we please stay on topic?”, ABC 7 reporter Shirleen Allicot said when I launched into a string of unsolicited dick jokes.

I want to thank all the good people at ABC 7 New York for allowing me to compromise their job security by appearing on a segment about how to live in and design for a small space. Although the interview lasted 4 hours and only 3 minutes made it on air please know I don’t hold it against you. I understand my fear of heights, body dysmorphia issues and the devastatingly low self-esteem I developed in the third grade after my friend Travis found a Polly Pocket in my backpack are not necessarily topics that should interest your viewership but next time don’t count them out either, m’kay? I’m just saying, like Taylor Swift, I am a lightning rod of universal human experience and you never know what might be ratings gold, leading you to an Emmy and a permanent seat next to Michael Strahan. That’s the only point I’m trying to make here.

Check out my Instagramz to see the obnoxious selfie I coerced ABC 7’s Shirleen Allicot and John The Cameraman into taking with me! You can see the fear their eyes!

Also, if there are any producers out there who are looking for a low-rent, wonky-faced Nate Berkus to appear on your telecast and spout off about affordable DIY design or North West’s wardrobe please do not hesitate to contact me*.  I’M TALKING TO YOU, TODAY SHOW.

*In addition I am available for birthday parties, bat/bar mitzvahs, christenings, commencements speeches, academic lectures, water births, QVC hand modeling, guest bartending and nude Skype sessions.

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DESIGN SERVICES

THIS IS NOT A HOUSE IS NOT ONLY

“ONE OF THE BEST DESIGN BLOGS ON THE INTERNET (DWELL MAGAZINE*)

IT IS ALSO A CREATIVE RESOURCE

FOR YOUR DESIGN NEEDS!

Featured on ABC7 New York, Al Jazeera America and The Ellen Show**, This Is Not A House is able to work remotely with clients throughout the United States to help lay the groundwork for a truly unique residential design.

In-home consultation appointments are also available for residents of Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, Bronx and Westchester!

Staten Island and Jersey…we’ll have to talk about it.

FOR MORE INFORMATION SHOOT ME AN EMAIL!

*declined to actually say when I called asking for a quote

**not featured on The Ellen Show

UPDATE 11/11/15

There is no need to check my pulse. I am, in fact, alive and swell!

Things have not slowed down since my last whiny rant about my absence (see my previous post which I’m just realizing now WAS BACK IN FEBRUARY) but I feel like the small amount of good faith I’ve earned is wearing thin the longer I remain silent. Am I right? Please confirm my suspicions by opening this in your favorite picture editor, drawing on it and sending here.

I’m in a precarious position. On one hand, I wish I could set aside a few hours a week to answer emails, chronicle my projects and schedule posts. On the other I just want catfish you all into thinking I was hit by a city bus, thereby alleviating my guilt and any personal responsibility to this site henceforth. You can’t expect me to write with a shattered pelvis, two broken tibiae (that’s the plural for tibia, you n00bs) and a ruptured spleen. YOU CAN’T, INTERNET, YOU JUST CAN’T.

Sadly, I am too virtuous for that kind of deception. Like this woman at Starbucks once told me, who was selling overpriced tea and calling herself Oprah, I should be living my best life and tricking you well-meaning individuals into thinking I now use a bed pan does not fit into that equation. Plus when I asked the MTA if they would mock up a fake incident report on their letterhead I was told to QUOTE Stop calling here, sir, and please learn to breathe through your nose. END QUOTE

In the meantime, while I work on generating some more content for the site and being a more reliable blogger, I’ve decided to publish some TINAH reader mail. It’s been months—MONTHS—since I’ve posted anything and since I haven’t had much time lately to think of anything original I figured posting someone else’s words would be much easier than struggling to put together my own. (For those of you taking notes my spirit animal is one of those inflatable dancing tube men that’s been popped and kind of just lies there while all the air pours out of his lifeless corpse.)

Surprisingly I get a lot of emails and that’s unusual for two reasons. 1) Most people only find TINAH because they click through from an article on Apartment Therapy. As such I’ve always assumed that the core of my readership consists of one-click wonders. These are people who stop by the blog, give it a quick read, have a little chuckle, comment on my asymmetrical face and body that looks like wet bags of nickels strung together, and leave. I just imagine these people aren’t coming back for seconds of this shit casserole let alone taking the time to drop me a line. 2) This site is really no more DIY than Miracle Whip is mayonnaise, which is just not mayonnaise and I don’t care if you grew up in the Midwest it’s just not, you monster. As I’m sure you’ve gathered TINAH is like a wolf in sheep’s clothing and by that I mean I may write about how to install a bathroom vanity but really it’s just an elaborate way to talk about the Jewish ghost that haunts my can. Most of the stuff I write about here doesn’t really facilitate follow up questions (unless you too believe a turn-of-the-century immigrant spirit inhabits in your apartment, which I have to guess is a very small percentage of you). Whatever the reason, I love that I get so many emails! It conveniently confirms the delusion that I am a public figure while also satisfying my raging narcissistic proclivities. And I respond to every email. My responses are delicate, like petit fours, and just as sweet. I try to be as thoughtful as possible but sometimes it can be difficult because I’m so high on my own self-importance while writing them that I forget to answer the question. Oh well! People like me and that means global warming is just a myth!

The types of emails I get are all over the map. Most of them are good questions, some of them are incomprehensible and a few are downright pornographic, but as Maya Angelou once said, “Questions are like butts: Each one is worth sticking your finger in and exploring a little.” The DIY-related questions are usually from women looking for workarounds to projects their husbands fucked up and these are my favorite! They’re incredibly passive aggressive. It’s starts off sweet and accommodating and by the end they’re describing the pile of wood and nails on their kitchen counter that looks like a birdhouse but is actually a wine rack. [To all the husbands out there, listen up: YOUR WIVES ARE ONTO YOU! They’re not fooled by the size of your power drill and they know you watch Property Brothers, so next time you’re refinishing the deck and the stain dries unevenly just own up to it.]

Then there are the lifestyle-focused questions. Things like, what’s the best online lighting resource, where do I find the perfect cocktail napkin, is bleaching your asshole still a thing, yadda yadda yadda. Sometimes I hesitate to answer these because I don’t think I have the authority to do so. I mean, who am I to tell anyone anything non-DIY related? It’s not like I’m fancy! I’ve never had a facial. I rarely get massages. I don’t drink cold pressed juices and my colonics are filled with used bath water so why am I qualified to be a lifestyle guru? BECAUSE I HAVE STUNNING TASTE AND AN ASS THAT WON’T QUIT AND IF YOU NEED ANY MORE REASON THAN THAT THEN PLEASE TAKE IT UP WITH MY MOM-AGER, GWYNETH PALTROW.

But the majority of the correspondence I get is actually fan mail for my dog, Finn, which I’m suuuuuper fine with and does not toast my baby berries at awwwwll, OKAY? I mean, this is my site and he is just a dog and I do pick up his shit three times a day and feed him when he’s hungry and scratch his belly when it’s itchy but I’m not bothered by the attention showered on him by TINAH readers. Not bothered at all.

(I’m very, very bothered by it.)

If you see your email below (or in future posts) and it’s been mangled beyond recognition do not fret! I will be condensing some of them so they’re a little more manageable. I love the long rambling emails I get from time to time (because it offers me a chance to answer in kind) but they aren’t always so post-friendly. Some people include their location when they write in and I think that’s a fun thing to continue doing. Not that I need you to. After all, I already have your IP addresses. Including your location in your email will only save me some time when I’m trying to steal your identity!

By the way, if you have a question but absolutely do not want it posted just let me know and I won’t post it! I promise! I’m a good guy. Remember: I may have quoted a brilliant Civil Rights activist as having used the word butt…but I mean well. (I’M SORRY AGAIN)

ENJOY AND KEEP THE QUESTIONS COMING, YOU MONSTERS.

THISISNOTAHOUSEBLOG@GMAIL.COM

 

Hi! I saw your apartment on AT and loved it! What is your design secret?? Would love some quick tips! Thanks!

– Anonymous

 Thank you! My one piece of advise I tell everyone (friends, family members, people on the street who didn’t ask my opinion but did make eye contact with me so I know they want to hear what I have to say) is to imbue your stuff with meaning! Make the stuff in your home special. Make sure there’s a story behind everything around you. If you do that, you will build super luxurious and relaxing space.

 Also, you are SO SWEET but this question has nothing to do with 1) my stunning looks 2) my rockin’ hot bod or 3) my commanding rap battle/freestyle ability. Next time, please try to incorporate one of the three. Thank you.

 

Do you consult/do design work remotely? Thanks! Love your website!

 – Cat, Florida

 A little known fact about This Is Not A House is that YES, I DO! I probably never made this known publicly and for that I am sorry, but I do, in fact, consult and design!

If you’re every interested in my services please shoot me an email! We can discuss what you’re looking to accomplish, budget, timeline, furniture selection, fabric choice—everything! I can offer you floor plans, renderings, color stories, etc. In return I usually ask that you name your first born after me, but if you’re not planning on having children ever (because you’re a sane and logic human being like me) then we can always discuss a monetary fee. But, really, if it were up to me I’d just have you name all your kids Evan and be done with it.

 

Dear Evan, your blog makes me laugh but not in a ha-ha way…more like a ‘heh’ way. Anyway keep up the good work dude.

 – Kev

I’m sure you sent this thinking you were being cheeky but the joke is on you, my friend, because I’m a huge narcissist and all I read is that someone somewhere thinks I’m Amy Schumer with balls so ah-thank ah-you!

 

Why do you have to cuss and say unbecoming things on your blog?

 – My mother

 When my brother and I were young my mom forbade us to watch The Simpsons. She hated when Bart would say ‘eat my shorts,’ and she hated it even more when we would both repeat it. Same went for Adventures In Babysitting, which was one of our favorite movies. I had one of those combs that looked like a switchblade; on the handle was a button and when you pressed it the comb would come flying out. It looked like you were going to mug someone every time you fixed your part and I loved it! Anyway, in the movie there’s a scene when Elisabeth Shue defends herself and the kids she’s watching against this thug in the subway. She holds a switchblade up to the attacker’s face and says, “Don’t fuck with the babysitter!” My brother and I would trade off being Elisabeth Shue and use the switchblade comb against each other. And we would overemphasize the word fuck. It sounded sort of like Fffffffffffffff-UHHHHH-CCCCKKKKK-uhhhhhhh!!!!!!!! Over and over and over we’d do it and die laughing each time. That drove my mom up the goddamn wall.

I sort of imagine TINAH hits the same nerve for her.

 

Hi Evan! What’s NYC like? I am thinking about moving in the fall from Ohio. It seems like you live an exciting life. Can’t wait!

– Chris, Ohio (duh)

 I’ll tell you what New York is not like. New York is not like what you see on TV. Not even in the shows that feel authentic because one character is curvy and curvy is real. New York is not like Friends or 30 Rock or any of the hundreds of Law & Orders. It’s not like Gossip Girl or Damages and it sure as shit is not like Sex & The City. It’s none of those things! In my opinion, the only thing that gets it right is Home Alone 2. That is New York! Running hysterically through the streets, racking up insane credit card debt, defending yourself against muggers, letting pigeons crawl all over you, squatting in vacant buildings—it’s all here and more.

I think there’s a misconception about New York and its residents. We’re real people! Living in Manhattan doesn’t mean you don’t eat a block of cheese at 11pm on a Tuesday or walk outside in your pajamas or spend a Sunday morning in bed making a fart tent with your sheets. We do all those things and more.

I don’t know if that really answers your question but I hope it contextualizes the cosmopolitan sheen most people apply to New York living. And I apologize for the delay! I realize you sent this email to me back in May, and while I responded to you then I’m also pretending as if I’m responding to you now and by now you are no doubt living in the city, killing it at school and ready to push me into oncoming traffic, should you run into me on the street.

P.S. I was fortunate enough to actually be stopped by the actual Chris in front of the actual FIT building and he is so nice and sweet and not all interested in shoving me into a traffic!!

 

Do bed bugs bother you? Reading through your blog I see you picked up stuff from the street and I’m just wondering if that’s something you ever consider. I don’t think I could do it!

 – Jen, Michigan

 Bed bugs didn’t bother me and I never considered them when picking up my junk from street but I will now SO THANKS FOR THAT, JEN.

 

Doesn’t NYC have bed bugs?! Eck!!!!!

– Sharlene, Wyoming

 I see what’s going on here.

 

I like your re-done furniture but I think there may be insects on it. How do you remove?

 – Frederic, Germany

Let’s set the record straight. Bed bugs were a problem a few years ago. Like we all should have done, those critters heard Bloomberg was leaving office and De Blasio would be stepping in and they started to revolt. They were showing up everywhere; in movie theatres, cabs, subway benches. But things are under control now. Time has passed, we’ve all made peace with this flaccid mayoral administration and things are better.

As a general rule, I don’t pick up upholstery from the street. That, I think, is a red flag, but everything else is fair fucking game. If you feel like anything not-upholstered might have a hidden bug or an egg on it (which I can assure you it does not) just spray it down with some white vinegar and white it off. You’ll be good to go and enjoying that broken papasan chair frame in no time!

 

I think I’ll end it on that note. The bed bug one.

Finally, for all the Finn fans out there (Fanns? Finnheads? Finn Army?), I hope the following will satiate your incessant need to email me about him and not, as I always prefer, me.

Here he is turning 8 last month and wishing he didn’t have to pose for this goddamn picture:

Happy Veteran’s Day!

INSIDE THE ACTORS STUDIO COLON JAMES LIPTON* INTERVIEWS THIS IS NOT A HOUSE SEMI COLON AN UPDATE SLASH JOHN EDWARDS WANTED TOO MUCH MONEY TO COMMUNICATE WITH THIS VOICE FROM THE DEAD PARENTHESES MY APOLOGIES FOR THE ABSENCE

James Lipton: This evening’s guest has not performed with distinction on stage, nor has he created a dazzling array of portraits in film or on television. He has not been nominated for an Academy Award, a Tony, an Olivier or an Emmy–not even a Golden Globe and they try to get rid of those things like Smarties on Halloween. He will never be ranked in People Magazine’s Most Beautiful People issue. In fact, his career has had very little impact on our cultural landscape or our collective conscious, but in light of Bravo’s wildly successful series “Drunk White Women And The Plastic Surgeons Who Tolerate Them” and their equally popular shows “Bitch, Please!”, “Young, Dumb & Full Of Cum” and the viewer-interactive “Guess Which Underwear I Was Wearing But Am Not Now” production on the 20th season of “Inside The Actors Studio” has been delayed until further notice or until I have agreed to address Andy Cohen as “hunty” in development meetings. Needless to say my current hiatus has forced me to turn my journalistic eye from the talented and famous to the unknown hacks of the Internet.

And with that, The Actors Studio at Pace University is proud to welcome Evan Pohl.

[Light applause]

Evan Pohl: [Walking on stage] Thank you! Thank you for having me!! [Bends in a ceremonial bow, palms together in front of chest] Thank you!! Hello, Pace University!! How are you tonight?!?

[Silence]

JL: [James Lipton clears his throat] We begin at the beginning.

EP: [Sits] Great, I’m so excited to start!

JL: Where were you born?

EP: California!

JL: What is your father’s name?

EP: Jeff!

JL: And what was his profession?

EP: He was a teacher. Math and Physical Education.

JL: And your mother’s name?

EP: Claire.

JL: Her occupation?

EP: Dental assistant.

JL: [James Lipton squints his eyes, accusingly] And where have you been?

EP: You mean, tonight? I was backstage! Sitting on a milk crate. I asked your producer for a chair but he said I didn’t deserve one…

JL: And he would be right but, no, I mean recently. You haven’t posted to your blog, This Is Not A House, in 4 months. Where have you been?

EP: Oh. Eesh! [Hooks one finger around his neck and pulls the collar dramatically] This is awkward! I thought you were just gonna ask me about my life and stuff and then I’d get to tell you my favorite curse word. I wasn’t really expecting—

JL: Yes, well, your readers weren’t really expecting you to fall off the side of a cliff but you did and now you’re here so let me ask it again: Where. Have You. Been.

EP: I don’t know. I guess I was a little busy?

JL: Busy.

EP: Sort of?

JL: [James Lipton turns to the audience] Students, Mr. Pohl says he was too busy to update his blog for months on end. [Back to Evan] Yet, as you can see, they, along with followers of this blog, are not too busy to give you their undivided attention. Isn’t that correct?

EP: Well, when you say it like that…

JL: I believe I did, Less Handsome Bob Vila. I believe I did.

EP: [swallows hard] I would really—

JL: Let’s cut straight to the meat of it, shall we?

EP: [uneasy] Ok.

JL: You tack some arrows to a fence and call it a garden. You sand some wood and call it a table. You peel some stickers and call it wallpaper.

EP: Um, I think there’s been a little more to it than that.

JL: No. That wasn’t a question. [James Lipton laughs GREGARIOUSLY] Answer me this, Mr. Pohl: you seem to contribute very little yet expect much more in return. In point of fact your absence from this blog shows an embarrassing lack of rigor in your career, wouldn’t you agree?

EP: Not at all!

JL: I believe it was Thoreau who said, “Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.” What is your truth, Mr. Pohl?

EP: My…truth.

JL: Let me read some reviews: About your blog The Daily Beast wrote, “a glue gun and some Wi-Fi does not a DIYer make!” Ariana Huffington was quoted as saying, “…this is a place where words and ideas go to die,” and Vulture said, “…[This Is Not A House] is the musings of a drunk baby.” What do you have to say to that?

EP: I would say that’s a little rough.

JL: [James Lipton, again, LAUGHS IN A GREGARIOUS MANNER] One notable author even went so far as to say, “Evan Pohl has no formal literary education. He is so unqualified to be a writer he is the Augusten Burroughs of the Internet.”

EP: Who said that?

JL: Augusten Burroughs.

EP: OK ENOUGH! Enough already! I get it, all right? Yes, I was gone for a bit and yes I didn’t update the blog regularly. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t working hard and beating myself up over not posting more often. You see, we had a pretty shitty winter here in New York. It was hard and it was really snow-filled and there is nothing–absolutely nothing–you’d rather do less than hunt for gutter furniture and refinish chairs on your patio when there is a foot of powder outside your window. Then the snow started to melt and work picked up. [Heartfelt now] It was like the spring thaw gave way to the budding seedlings of new opportunities! Suddenly I had other projects on my plate. Before I knew it I had a few clients and I wasn’t just thinking about myself anymore. I was making quantifiable changes in the lives of others! I could see it and I could touch it and I couldn’t deny the fact that the people I was working with liked me. Right then, they liked me! And it gave me…purpose, I suppose. I guess I got a bit addicted to that feeling. As a result, I let a few of my other responsibilities fall by the wayside, and I’m truly sorry for that.

[There is a long pause.]

 

[Longer.]

 

 

[Even longer still.]

 

JL: Cut the shit Sally Field you didn’t update your blog because you came down with a slight case of seasonal affective disorder!

EP: Fine. Maybe.

[James Lipton squints.]

EP: Can we get to the questions from the pretentious French—

JL: —WE END THIS INTERVIEW—[James Lipton calms himself] with the questionnaire, which was employed for 26 glorious years by Bernard Pivot in France. Evan, what is your favorite word?

EP: Dinner.

JL: What is your least favorite word?

EP: Diet.

JL: What turns you on?

EP: When my rent check clears.

JL: What turns you off?

EP: Gym selfies.

JL: What noise or sound do you love?

EP: A dog farting itself awake.

JL: What noise or sound do you hate?

EP: Jackhammers in the morning.

JL: What is your favorite curse word?

EP: Horsefucker.

JL: What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?

EP: Astronomer.

JL: What profession would you absolutely not like to participate in?

EP: Au pair.

JL: Finally, if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

EP: The buffet is on your right.

*This conversation has been fabricated for your (but mostly my) amusement. Any likeness to James Lipton is purely coincidental. James Lipton did not interview me. If James Lipton did interview me I would announce it by hiring a plane and writing it in the sky, not by posting about it on my dumb website, hoping someone happens to see it. I’m not stupid. No one I went to high school reads this. But everyone I went to high school with reads messages made of clouds. If you happen to be James Lipton and do not find this post funny please take it up with my lawyer. His name is Finn and he is a dog.